The "bitch in the kitchen".

(prev) Ultimately, out of concern for Sue, at the bequest of my children, and because of arriving guests, I went out onto the deck, tried to calm down, comfort Sue and promised to ignore the McGuires for the rest of the day.

Not that Beth & Company made that easy. Minutes after making this promise, Beth shoved a roll of Bounty paper towels into my face, snarling "They're your dogs. You clean 'em up!" while her father chuckled in the background. Patience is a virtue, I've been told, so I ignored the jab (and the Bounty) and cleaned up (without saying a word) the small mess on the living room carpet (one of our dogs had thrown up, due to all the excitement). This, I suppose, allowed Beth to believe she had gotten in 'the last word' and would be the final time she (or her father for that matter) would say anything to me. Or me to them. That's not to say that there wasn't the occasional flare-up, as my new (so-called) in-laws continued acting badly...

While arranging foodstuffs on our counter, Beth grabbed our new marriage certificate and license and threw them across the kitchen floor with a"fffffttt!" (who does that?!!), freaking Sue out completely. She had to dive, in her wedding dress, onto the floor to save the newly signed documents from being trampled or worse, snatched up by the always playful puppies. Luckily enough (or sadly enough, depending on your point of view), I didn't find out about his 'event' until the next day. I'll admit that this would have been yet another 'last straw'...

And I certainly wasn't alone. At one point I even had to stop my father - he was on his way to "turf the lot of 'em" - telling him that as I had 'promised' Sue and the kids to ignore the McGuires, he needed to do the same. Many of the guests weren't present at the Chapel (due to limited space, the ceremony was restricted to 'older' relatives and immediate family. The reception was opened for cousins, their families and our friends). Other than a few, most reception guests had arrived after the scene at the house so they were unaware of any conflict. Better to keep it that way. Looking back, I'm surprised that we actually managed to avoid them for the rest of the day, which went extremely well, as hard as that is to believe, and in spite of Beth's continued bad behavior when..

Beth staked out the kitchen. Not itself a big deal - the dinner buffet was outside in a food 'tent'' and drinks were served from the deck. However, other family members and guests who wanted to 'help out', couldn't, due to Beth's hostility towards everyone that crossed her path. And I do mean everyone. Every guest asked on leaving - "who was the bitch in the kitchen?" or a variant thereof (you'll remember that introductions at the Chapel didn't happen and many guests only attended the reception at the house). That 'bitch' was the 'Sister In Law'. I was told later that in order to reach the front hall bathroom, most of our guests went around the house rather than through the house, in order to avoid her. My cousin Mandy, thinking that Beth was with the caterers, suggested that I have a word with them, as the 'help' were nothing short of "nasty" (actually, the caterers were first rate). Another term that came up was 'fish wife' (fantastically apropos, I'm afraid). The one jab that annoyed and upset Sue the most was Beth's crack to one of my cousins about how Sue treats our dogs - something about us 'not caring' about them and 'feeding them chicken bones' (hilarious actually - anyone that knows us can tell you how Sue treats our dogs - like part of the family). Luckily enough, I was on voluntary 'avoid Beth mode' and never knew about these incidents until told later in the evening over drinks, or in subsquent conversations about our 'interesting' wedding. The rest of the so-called in-laws? Well..

Sue's father never even offered a toast to the bride nor, for that matter, did he ever come out to the garden for any of the reception in the garden. He sat sulking for the entire event in the living room, a constant companion for Beth who, like her father, never left the house (our house is open-concept so the living room and kitchen are practically one-in-the-same). He even ate there - his food hand-delivered - with Beth at his side. Because of the scene at the Chapel, some people hadn't been introduced and everyone assumed (unless corrected) that Sue's Uncle Bruce - a true gent - was her father. In the grand scheme of things not really a bad thing. It was after all, to Bruce that I made the expected "look after our girl" promise, tradtionally made by a groom to their new Father In Law. In any case, the identity of the 'old dude' in the living room remained a mystery to some, while others thought he was, as assumed of Beth, with the caterers.

Sue's mother? To her (very) nominal credit (worry not - she'll lose it in a bit), she tried to put on a 'good face' and mingled (almost) happily with the guests outside. In an odd way, I almost admired her for having the chutzpah. Hell, she even lent a hand making tea with her silver tea set, reminded us of the 'fancy glasses' - used to belong to Sue's Grandmother - during Toast to The Bride (necessitating a second round of toasts) and generally stayed clear of the real fireworks. Everything considered, a fairly remarkable effort (in spite of my other, and ongoing misgivings). With her efforts, and with Beth and the FIL safely ensconced alone inside the house, an uneasy 'truce' - other than Beth's occasional snipes at guests - held for the rest of the day. And it is only due to those truly wonderful hours (as well as my lovely wife and our extremely understanding guests) that these pages' title features the word 'almost' in parentheses... Next: Aftermath, endnote and a message from Bryan